House Rules for Our Parties

As the holiday season approaches, I am looking forward to hosting and attending numerous gatherings. So I thought it was a perfect time to publish our House Rules for Parties — these are observed particularly in my house, but also have variable applicability to parties I am attending.

1. Contributions Welcome, But Not Required

I was raised in the South, therefore I cannot accept someone’s hospitality without bringing something. If you tell me not to bring anything, I will still compulsively grab some baked goods or a bottle of wine to give you. Whether you want it or not. So I understand if others are wired the same way. However, I am happy to host without accumulating a collection of random produce, snacks and beverages so I always emphasize that if a guest can’t bring something, their presence is enough. With the caveat that if you have dietary restrictions or allergies and want to guarantee that there is acceptable food for you, you might ought to bring it… Now, if I knowingly invite a vegan to dinner, of course I’m going to make a vegan dish. Or if I know some invitees are allergic to nuts, I’ll serve the nuts on the side, etc. But don’t come to the party and then spring it on everyone that you’re gluten-free now and then interrogate me about all the ingredients in everything. I’ll probably lie to you just to see if it’s all in your head.

2. If You Pass Out Drunk, We’ll Do Stuff To You

Fortunately, not very many of our friends ever get blackout drunk and maybe this rule has something to do with it. If we observe someone hammering back the alcohol, we notify them of the rule (and take their car keys). Should you pass out from drinking {“pass out” is defined as falling asleep unintentionally; which can be determined by seeing if you are sleeping with your shoes still on and lacking a blanket or pillow}, you will very likely wake up with some creative graffiti sharpied on your body in addition to the hangover.

Yes, there was an arrow, pointing to her BOOTY!

We cite the “Andi” incident and consider them warned. Now you want to know what the Andi incident was, don’t you? Andi is a fun and fantastic girl who did shots with various people at a certain party, none of whom realized how much she’d previously had. Sleeping in the middle of the kitchen floor counts as passed out, for the record… So a week later she’s leaning over to get into a file cabinet and her boss asks, “um, why is Pirate Treasure written on your back?” Annnnd she’s a lawyer for the State. She had ‘fun’ explaining that and eventually forgave us.

3. If You Get Drunk, But Don’t Pass Out, We’ll Get You To Do Stuff To Yourself

I believe I previously mentioned the fun party game of daring tipsy people to taser themselves. Well that pales in comparison to The Jumping Jacks. This one wasn’t even a crazy party, just a half dozen people over for gaming, Mexican food… and Margaritas. It turns out that margaritas are my friend “Elle’s” weakness. Also, she’s a lightweight when it comes to adult beverages. So she’d had ONE margarita and announced in a slurred voice that she was going to head on home. We said she’d better stay awhile first. She was insistent, she was FINE. We asked her to perform several standard sobriety tests which she did — far more poorly than she thought. She then added, “I’m so sober, I can do jumping jacks — look!’ and did a couple jumping jacks. Without missing a beat, Garian said, “ANY drunk person can do jumping jacks. The question is, can you do them without your bra?” Elle didn’t even hesitate. She removed her bra (underneath her shirt, leaving the shirt on) and did about 5 jumping jacks. Now she was wearing a sweatshirt I believe, but she does have “large tracts of land,” so the result of this exercise was a sight that all the males present wanted to stare at, but instead they studied the table because her fiancee was also sitting right there. As the instigator, Garian felt he had the right to appreciate the view and the fiancee was fortunately not offended… Having thus proven her sobriety, Elle proudly slung her bra over her shoulder and marched to the bathroom to put it back on. She emerged a few minutes later somewhat sheepishly and said, “you know, maybe I will stay just a bit longer…” I replied, “Oh, what made you change your mind? Did putting your bra back on in an unfamiliar bathroom maybe clue you in to the fact that you aren’t quite sober enough to drive??” She giggled and said “yeeeeesssss.” And we have never let her forget it. This is now the standard by which drunkenness is measured: “Well, she is tipsy, but not Jumping Jacks Drunk yet.”

4. Any Party Fouls Committed Will Go On The Fail Board

Instead of freaking out over any accidents that occur, we keep a dry erase board handy to record party fails and the winner of this “game” usually gets to do the dishes or make the pizza run or something like that. I think the record for drinks spilled by one person over the course of a two-day party was thirteen (he insists a wobbly card table accounts for at least half of those). I have a microfiber tablecloth which is awesome and I hate my carpet and can’t wait to replace it, so it is easier to laugh over party fouls than to go into distraught cleaning mode.

So there you have it. Just a few rules to keep in mind while partying with Evil Bekka. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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3 Responses to “House Rules for Our Parties”

  1. Excellent! I think I remember hearing the story of “Elle” and know who that is!! LOL!!! Being a lightweight myself, I will definitely NEVER challenge the rules at Evil Bekka’s. (Although the jumping jacks test wouldn’t work for me or you. Genetics were just not very kind to us in that arena.LOL!) Or maybe they were…..We would be able to slip under a trip wire on our backs. Elle on the other hand….hee hee.

  2. haha. This was a great read! I’d love to attend some of your parties. Watching drunk people is more fun than drinking. I’m assuming anyways because I still have never had alcohol. (true story)

    • Hey Vandell, let me know when you’re in town and we’ll have some people drunkened for your amusement. And maybe get you to try some alcohol so you can judge which is more fun… we are bad influences 😉

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