Lies You Should Tell Your Wife

I feel the need to address this topic because I had thought that some of my friends were smart enough to know when to varnish the truth a bit with their wife or significant other, but as it turns out, this is not the case.

We’ll start with the easy ones.

1) That outfit never makes us look fat/ skinny/ old/ ugly/ jaundiced/ washed out/ trampy. Most guys know enough to either beat a hasty retreat, mumble incoherently or to lie when this landmine gets dropped. Here is a secret: we’re going to wear what we want to anyway, regardless of your real or professed opinion. We even appreciate poorly executed lying as it demonstrates that you care about our self-esteem. HOWEVER, the correct answer is NEVER “No, honey. Your ass makes you look fat.”

2) You always appreciate our cooking. Because it’s something you get to eat that you didn’t have to lift a finger for even if it tastes like rancor vomit. Add some salt, choke down at least a few bites and offer to do the dishes. We’ll be pleased with your consideration and probably not notice how much you didn’t eat. Now, notice I said “appreciate” — if you really sell the “it’s the best thing I’ve ever eaten!” we will make it for you again. And again. So select your level of untruth carefully. And if she’s just not a good cook, offer to make the dinner next time. If you go that route, however, know your limits and don’t go crazy. For example, I am fully aware that when Garian says he’ll handle dinner I can expect takeout or frozen pizza. We are both satisfied with this arrangement as it prevents me from coming home to a houseful of smoke… again.

3) The one you are with now is always the best kisser/lover you’ve ever been with. You would think this one is a no-brainer, but evidently, some men have a little too much in the way of brains. When I was in college, I had some classes with “Harold.” We had a lot in common and tried dating for a couple months before it became evident that we worked better as friends, so we went back to Just Friends. We were both friends with “Elle” as well and some time after we had all graduated, Elle and Harold became an item and eventually got engaged. Why is this relevant, you ask? Well, some evening or other when Elle and Harold were expressing their affections for each other — I don’t know how it came up, but if he volunteered it out of the blue, he must have self-destructive tendencies — Harold admitted that he thought I was a better kisser than Elle. That pretty much killed the mood. Elle, being one of my BFFs, naturally told me about it at the next get together and this led to all sorts of fun at poor Harold’s expense. Not only did he get teased and lectured by the other guys in our group of friends, but Elle and I invented a fun game where I’d say I felt so sorry for her and was going to teach her how to be a better kisser. Then we’d leave the room and make suggestive noises and giggling. Occasionally one of us will still suddenly ask Harold who’s a better kisser and he now knows the correct answer and says “Elle.” Sometimes he can’t resist adding that she’s come such a long way in that department (they are married now, btw).

Part Two: This story had provided much amusement and we hadn’t teased Harold about it for several months, when Garian and I were on a long road trip to somewhere or other. The conversation had died down and we were both sitting in comfortable silence with our thoughts, when Garian blurts out, “I just can’t believe that Harold thought you were a better kisser than Elle!”  … … … (that is the sound of me being speechless) He then defended his statement by asserting that — while he appreciated the gesture and enthusiasm — I was fairly inexperienced at kissing when we started dating and that was Post-Harold; whereas Elle had been with a few other people Pre-Harold, so she was likely better at it. I allowed he made a good point, but asked what he hoped to gain by proving said point — besides a few nights on the guest bed and my eternal suspicion that he and Elle had made out at some time unbeknownst to me. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. Apparently, we have such an honest and close marriage that he was just openly sharing his thoughts with me. Guys, take note: these are the sorts of thoughts that it’s ok for you to have; you are welcome to think anything you like, but please ponder the consequences a moment before sharing such thoughts with others… especially your wife. Garian’s faux pas of course became fodder for much more merriment in our circle, because that’s how we roll. And I turned it to happy personal gain by insisting he should then give me more practice time (with him).

Now, this next one is important and I’m not naming names or even aliases in order to protect the guilty.

4) If you manage to sleep through intimate activities, please, for the love God, don’t admit it the next day. So, I’m having dinner with some girlfriends and it comes up that one friend’s partner had seemed to have a great time during some very nice things she had done for him, but was actually just dead tired and sound asleep and had no memory of it the next day. She barely finishes this story, when another friend says, “Oh, he does that too?!” We’re like, “What do you mean ‘too?'” Her fellow apparently had slept through a number of moments that she had thought were quite special and intimate… And then told her he had the next day! Dudes, don’t do that! If you can thrill your wife in your sleep, good for you, but at least practice saying, “Yeah, that was awesome.” Instead of, “Oh, you did what? Well, wake me up next time.”

And there you have it. Are there any relationship-saving lies I have missed? Would someone like to argue for harsh and utter honesty? Discuss in the comments!


2 Responses to “Lies You Should Tell Your Wife”

  1. It’s not really self-destructive, per se…. just a lack of ability to grasp possible consequences. It always sounds like a good idea to him at the time… whatever IT is at the moment.

  2. Haha, those are definitely rules to live by…I know I do.

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