Weird Conversations With Your Baby

Posted in In Real Life with tags , , , on July 12, 2014 by Evil Bekka

Filed under “Things I Never Imagined I’d Say to My 1-yr-Old”…

The following dialogue occurred after the Spawn managed to get hold of Lords of War and mix up 4 decks. We always pick up our own messes, so while we were sorting things back out, it sounded like this:

Me: No, that’s an Elf, so it goes here. Yes, the Zombie does go with the Undead — good job!”

Squeaker: Mm-HM!

Me: Yep, the Banshee goes there and it’s a good bet that anyone in green holding a bow will be an Elf… More Templars… How did you even get these?

Squeaker: Mama drink coffee!

Murphy’s Law

Posted in Airing of Grievances with tags , , , , , , , on March 6, 2014 by Evil Bekka

It’s been kind of a rough week, so since I didn’t have a ton of time-sensitive things to do today, I blocked out some Me Time. Dropped The Daughter off at her grandparents’, took a nice long shower, and decided to try some new henna hair treatment. Now, I’ve done henna before and it’s messy, so my best hack for not ruining clothes or towels draped over clothes is to apply hair coloring in the buff. Therefore, post-shower, I’m humming along, glopping this baby-poop colored and textured substance happily onto my head, and just when I get it spiked into some really interesting formations… the doorbell rings. The doorbell. I mean, who does that anymore? It’s too early for mail or UPS, I’m not expecting anyone, so it must be the dreaded Pop-Over Visit or someone selling something. If I could have been sure that it was a salesman, I’d have gone and answered it in my birthday suit, my hair all caked in goo, and explained that now was not a good time. If they still went ahead with their pitch, then props to them for poise. But… it could have been a neighbor. We have some new ones next door whom we’ve not frightened off yet and we do like them. It could also have been Girl Scouts — it’s cookie time, you know.

So, hilarious as that choice would have been for somebody, I remained in the bathroom ’til whoever it was went away. They didn’t leave a package or note, so the mystery remains. I hope it wasn’t Publisher’s Clearing House. Oh, well.

What’s the most ridiculous get-up you’ve ever gone to the door in?

My Good Deed For The Day (or maybe month…)

Posted in Art & Design Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2013 by Evil Bekka

I do in fact perform Good Deeds on occasion. For the next 10 days I am loaning one of my t-shirt designs to the terrific geeky folks at Not Dead Yet Games to use for a fundraiser to order prototypes for reviewers and advertising for their upcoming board game Kickstarter. It will be back in Evil Bekka’s Shop after that at its usual (higher!) price.

So if you like this design, getting good deals, and supporting awesome indie board games, go order one (or five)!!

keep calm and carry shirt image

at http://www.tfund.com/HostileTakeover

And do a good deed once in a while… It feels all warm and fuzzy… Like my insides are full of happy kittens…

Yeah, That Just Happened…

Posted in Airing of Grievances with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2013 by Evil Bekka

Me: I’m thirsty. Good thing I have this glass of water.

GM in the Sky: Make a Dex check to drink that.

Me: What?!

GM in the Sky: You’re distracted by work, that’s a minus…

Me: (rolls figurative dice)

GM in the Sky: That’s a big Fail. You dump water on yourself.

Me: fffffffff!!! OK, I’m paying attention now. I really want to drink the water. (rolls figurative dice)

GM in the Sky: Wow, fail again. Maybe if you weren’t distracted by whining about how unfair the first roll was… You dump the rest of the glass on yourself.

Me: (flips figurative table) WHO MAKES YOU ROLL FOR THAT?!

So, how’s your Friday going? 

Evil Bekka’s Guide To Communication

Posted in Evil Deeds, Sneakiness & Skullduggery, In Real Life with tags , , , , , , , on October 3, 2013 by Evil Bekka

I have been working on editing, layout and graphics for some self-improvement books (shameless plug: I am awesome at book layout, formatting for print and ebook and now I know CreateSpace!), one of which is about Communication. So, as I go through this text, I can’t help but absorb some of its lessons and I am starting to pay more attention to my own communication patterns, speech, and habits. I have noticed distinct tactics and phrases I use frequently in my daily life to influence others to do my bidding facilitate better cooperation and understanding between people. These tactics and phrases are surprisingly simple and not quite what you’d expect. True to my generous nature, I am now sharing this wisdom with you — may these phrases help you in your own communications…

Turn No into Yes (ie, you just missed your Persuade roll)

Try saying, “Oh, come on!” with your most winning smile. If you can, follow it quickly with an additional offer. Works three out of four times for me. Example:

Me: Why don’t you guys stay a little longer for a quick game of Catan?

“Luna”: I need to go feed my cats. They aren’t fat enough and they’ll think I stopped loving them if I feed them at midnight instead of 11…

Me: Oh, come on! You can be green.

Luna: OK!

Although the success rate is admittedly much lower when I’m trying to complete a lop-sided trade in Catan…

Me: I’ll trade you a sheep for that ore you just got!

Garian: No, I don’t need sheep…

Me: It can dance! Why don’t you give me two ore for this amazing sheep?

Garian: No.

Me: Oh, come on!

Garian: Well, let me think about it… NO.

That was a dramatization. But seriously, try it. It works. And you have nothing to lose — they already said No.

When You Aren’t Getting Your Way

Try looking distressed and sincere while you say in a very serious tone, “But you don’t understand — I want to.” Keep attempting to do what you were doing before and see if the person has the nerve to deny you after that heartfelt explanation. This should NOT be used to infringe on other people’s safety, personal space, or rights, however — I may be “evil,” but there are lines, and great power = responsibility, etc. so play nice.

The Ultimate Argument Winner

This conversational gambit is awesome and there is so far no discovered counter for it. It’s my go-to whenever someone criticizes something about me or my life, and when you are just failing to see eye to eye and need the scene to end, this will do the trick nicely. I can’t, however, take credit for this one… cue flashback effects:

I once did some time filling in as a Legal Secretary for a friend while she had an afternoon class. The lawyer she worked for was reputed to be a very good lawyer, but quite possibly either a sociopath or the Anti-Christ (reports were varied). Anyway, she didn’t give me much trouble, so I thought maybe there was some exaggeration at work. Until one day… I was typing some document or other from recorded dictation (because she’d hand-write even her emails, record them, have them typed, printed, she’d proof them, make changes, have them typed again, printed and after she signed off on them they could be sent or printed on letterhead) when her adult son came by the office to make some copies. The copier was behind my desk, so he was back there copying away when the lawyer came in and started talking with him. This somehow turned into an argument with her standing in front of my desk, while I attempted to shrink down and turn the dictation tape up louder and louder as they shouted at each other over my head.

Despite my efforts, I heard the son finally yell in frustration, “How do you not have a key to your own house?!

And the lawyer responded with, “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW WE LIVE!

It was then that I decided she was perhaps certifiable and/or brilliant. Think about it. What situation can a righteously offended facial expression and the phrase “You don’t know how we live!’ not resolve? Other people can’t know exactly how you live, not even if they live with you. There just isn’t a great comeback to it and even if you come off as ridiculous as she did, you can tell yourself that you still “won” the argument.

So, there you have my top three conversational gems. Try to use them wisely… What communication tools/tactics/comebacks do you find indispensable? Tell me in the comments!

Will Power and Other Rambles

Posted in Airing of Grievances with tags , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2013 by Evil Bekka

ImageOK, yes, I have good genes and hyperthyroidism which makes it easy for me to stay thin no matter what I eat. But I also have will power. You know the thing that you must practice while that disc is burning/file is uploading/program is opening and you have 3 minutes of dead time and you’d really like to spend them playing Tetris on your phone and stuffing Oreos in your mouth, but you don’t. No, you get your butt up out of the chair and do 10 pushups instead, or some squats while you check Facebook. And then you are absurdly pleased with yourself as if you’d just planted a rainforest or something. So pleased that you think you deserve some Oreos. And maybe a minute or two of Tetris. Sigh….

OH, speaking of Oreos, I was having one after dinner the other day and I’m twisting it open (because I’m one of those who twists the cookie apart, licks out the cream and then eats the rest) and it looks like this:

Image

Dramatic recreation

Yes. Someone had pre-licked the middle out of it and put it back in the bag!! As I stare in horrified shock (what if I had just bitten into it instead?!), wondering which of my uncouth friends or guests had committed this travesty (and I was ready to pin it on The Knave), Garian wanders by and snickers, saying, “Oh, ha! You found my Oreo!”

He had been eating it, apparently, gotten distracted and put it back before wandering off. Who does that?! My husband, that’s who. Next time you’re over here partying with us, twist your Oreos open, just in case…

Competant Designers Finish Last

Posted in Airing of Grievances, Art & Design Stuff with tags , , , , , , on July 1, 2013 by Evil Bekka

Dear Ass-Face Person in Pakistan Who Underbid Me on that Laying Out a Book Job:

I understand that your cost of living is lower. That’s cool. I understand that you *know* how to use Photoshop and stock images. Also cool. You are entitled to make a living with your skills just like me.

But DO NOT frakking bid to lay out a 100 page book (for Printing, not Web publishing), and then DO IT IN PHOTOSHOP at 150 dpi! Because you know what happens? The client comes back to me (who did custom illustrations and gave them an actual print-ready file) and asks if I can format your mess into something their printer won’t laugh at.

So much RAGE.

Oh, I also noticed that your “slick formatting” removed a bunch of the spaces between words, some actual words, and a paragraph or two so that you know, the book is unreadable in places. I’m enjoying going through it and adding those spaces/words/paragraphs back in. NOT. (ok, actually I am enjoying it a little because I really do like editing and correcting writing and grammar. It’s a Lawful thing.)

Now, I’m happy for me that the client is a super person who wants to pay me more for cleaning up your mess, but I am angry with you for wasting his money and time with your no doubt well-meant but ignorant shenanigans when I could have done the whole job right to begin with in the first place. You probably also wasted a substantial amount of your own time, too — each page number is its own text layer for shit’s sake!

And don’t get me started on why you shouldn’t do two-page spreads as your final files… unless you’ve already paginated them the way they need to be to print. Which you didn’t. Because that would be insanity with a document this size. Have you ever done anything for physical printing? Maybe you’ve done some newspapers, since that’s about all the resolution in your files is good for. I’m waiting to see if the client does actually get the hi-res image files from you for me to use… or if you just pilfered stuff off the internet illegally and I’ll get to redo all those as well… Update: yes.

Bottom line: if you’re going to try to steal my jobs, at least attempt to be better at them than I am. But no, really, thanks… I needed more work last week, so your crappy job is my clean-up windfall.

Also, I hate you and your ass-face.

Sincerely,

Evil Bekka

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 28 other followers