When I Say I’m Going To Do Something…

We all remember the time I said I was going to tazer Emma? Well, that entertaining situation came about because when I say I’m going to do something I do it. That’s also why I can be annoyingly non-committal at times, but that’s another story. This Lawful compunction to keep my word has backfired on a few occasions. One of the funnier ones was during a casual conversation with some friends…

Exposition: My husband, “Garian” has this best friend from high school who we will call “Ace.” Ace has long been in a relationship with “Maire.” They are a fun and eccentric couple. Anyway, I didn’t get to know them very well until Garian and I had been married a few years. I gradually realized that Garian had evidently found the female version of his best friend to marry and Ace had found a female version of Garian to be with. Now there are differences to be sure (I am much sneakier than Ace and Maire is less mischievous than Garian), but the similarities between baseline personalities and quirks are downright eerie (I’m talking like the exact same food preferences and dislikes type of similarities). Maire and I give our respective partners grief about this quite a lot.

So sometimes there will be conversations that aren’t quite arguments between one of the couples and Ace and I will take the same side (often with the exact same reasoning and phrases) while Maire and Garian take the other — it’s like doubles ping-pong for arguments. On this occasion, Garian was trying to convince me that I really did like it when he playfully licked my ear or nose. Garian’s high Charisma Rating aside, I do not like being licked. Neither does Ace, of course, but naturally Maire is also a licker and took Garian’s side because she and Ace had had the same conversation before. After some back and forth between the four of us I finally said, “Fine. We will try it. I’ll lick Ace and nobody will be happy.” Ace expressed his disapproval of this plan and the subject was dropped.

But. I had said I would lick Ace. I said it. It went on the to do list in the back of my mind where it remained for some time, gradually eating away at my Lawful Alignment until my word could be kept and honor restored. Months later, we were sharing a hotel room with Ace and Maire on a trip. Garian was in the shower, Maire was putting on her shoes and I was brushing my hair at the mirror. Ace leaned over to use the mirror as well. I took the Attack of Opportunity and fast, like a ninja:

Sometimes it’s just no fun to be right. Although I guess I wasn’t entirely right — Ace and I certainly weren’t happy, Garian was sorry he missed it, but Maire thought it was hilarious. One positive thing to come from the Licking Experiment however, is that anytime the old Licking Debate comes up, Ace and I can say we’ve tried it, didn’t like it, and please drop it. Then we get laughed at by Maire and Garian. So that’s sort of like we won that argument?…isn’t it? I’m thinking of trying to change my Alignment to True Neutral or Neutral Good…

What do you say? Are you Pro or Anti Licking/Being Licked? Anyone ever change their stance after “practice” or being subjected to compelling arguments for or against it?

Paranoia 101

Back in the Day (late 1990s) I attended the same Junior College as one of my best friends, Kim. We often hung out together between classes and met for lunch and so on. Being a student of human nature — and easily bored — I tried out an experiment one day while waiting for her to get out of choir class. I merely stood around the corner near the door and took note of how many people even saw that I was there. It’s remarkable what people don’t notice when they aren’t expecting to see anything.

In fact, even Kim, who knew we were meeting after choir, walked right on by without even checking the corner. This naturally concerned me for her future safety and led to the training exercise that we will affectionately refer to as Paranoia 101.

Now I know that people tend to erroneously assume that everyone else thinks the same way they do and yet it still comes as something of a shock whenever I realize that maybe most people don’t look around while working in the garden and think, “Now, if I suddenly had to kill somebody I could use the trowel and hoe rapier-dagger style and the best cover is probably going to be behind the grill… oh, now wait, it’s a propane grill — explosive… the stairs might be better…” That’s just the way my subconscious rambles on; you get used to it. So while I wasn’t too surprised that Kim — who was an only child living way out in the country — had such a low suspicion level, what with no brothers to prank her on a daily basis, I decided that it was my duty as a friend to help her be more aware of her surroundings. For her own good you know. And it’s such a shame to waste a perfectly good Element of Surprise.

So I stealthed up behind her as she continued on her merry way down the hall. You will need to imagine the Jaws Music as you scroll down now…

me leaping out of the shadows (there weren't really any shadows, but it looks cooler this way)

After I pounced on my friend and she screamed and laughed, I told her, “Now you really should be more aware of your surroundings. What if I were an assassin or something?” She laughed it off and we went to lunch.

Two days later, same scenario. I waited in the same corner to see if she had learned anything. Nope. Repeat sneaking and pouncing. The choir teacher got used to me lying in wait outside his class and would just wink at me as he passed without letting on to poor Kim. We did this for a few weeks before she remembered to look around that corner when she got out of choir.

I moved down the hall to the next corner. She checked the usual corner, assumed I was running late and blithely continued on past my new spot, oblivious as can be. Sneak. Pounce. Repeat.

She caught on quicker this time and was checking that corner within a week. I moved to the next building she went through. And so on. Once I hid under the desk where she worked and grabbed her ankle just as she answered the phone. She kept her cool and managed not to scream at the person on the phone. I probably got two levels in Sneak Attack that semester.

it's not paranoia when you really do have sneaky friends ambushing you...

I knew she had completed her training and was much safer for it when she habitually crept around corners and doors, looking side to side pretty much everywhere she went. Everyone else looked at her like she was a crazy person, but I was proud of her.